escalator days

i had an escalator day today.
one that starts at the top and trudges downward--one in which the escalator takes a disastrous detour, uprooting from its path and causing a devastating accident in which a dozen people are seriously injured. I read that in a poem once. Not exactly what I just said, but Denise Duhamel wrote in some poems about an escalator incident in which her mom was literally scalped and her dad was badly injured.

My days aren't so devastating, but I do feel as though I'm being scalped--that the pressure in my head will literally pull my head right out, taking chunks of skin with it.

I got cussed out a couple days ago, which has kept me in a bit of a bad mood. It was stupid. Needless to say, I didn't deserve it, but I took it like a champ.
I am getting tired of work again.
I don't want to live in America right now...for several reasons.
Someone told me I looked ugly with my glasses, and that I should never wear them again.
My confidence in my writing is wavering.
Sleeping is...interesting. I sleep, but it's weird. It's like I'm not all the way asleep, so when I wake up, I still feel exhausted.
I don't want to go to my 8am class tomorrow...it's pointless and it's my last class of the semester.
I want my student loans to disappear.
I want my mission trip to be miraculously paid for.
I don't want to live in Kentucky anymore.

Gosh, I am going through a complete bia-fest. I apologize. I promise you don't have to read any further. I'm kind of having an ungrateful day. No, not ungrateful, but I feel so sad. A bit helpless. A bit depressed. A bit stressed, a bit exhausted. Sleep-deprived, too. And thirsty, I'm always thirsty for some reason and my lips are always dry. It's odd.
And my head feels a bit implosive. And I have terrible purple bags beneath my eyes... which is why I mostly wear my glasses. PS, if you think I look better without my glasses, I don't freakin care so piss off.

I've had way too much sugar today, too. I was baking and forgot to eat lunch, then at my class's gathering I ate a lot of junk (although a nice amount of hummus,) then I ate a lot of chocolate and drank Diet Mt. Dew. Then I got home and ate more chocolate, drank sugar-infused juice, and my headache has worsened.

What do I want?
Do I really want chocolate that much?

I think I want to get away from here, become a great writer, get an MFA from an awesome school, get rid of all my loans, join the Peace Corps, have a nice life with a wonderful man. I want to feel unconscious of the ridiculous ways of society and America in general. I want to feel unconscious of people. I want to feel unconscious of logic and frames of mind that have been past down from generations. I want my headaches to go away. I want to stop biting my fingernails to bloody nubs. I want to feel better. Healthy. Confident. Refreshed.
I want to stop whining about my not-really-that-pathetic life.

Oh screw it.
BLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. blah.