Stuffing

In middle school, I remember when a boy--who I eventually dated and dumped-- told me that I talked too much. My opinions were a bit different from his...which is why I eventually dumped him. He was a bit of a chauvinistic (fill in the blank) and would comment on my "fatness" which, at that point, was ridiculous because I was very skinny.
Okay moving on.
So clearly this boy was a prick. Not very nice, very self-centered and very defensive when someone disagreed with him on the role of girls in society, in the sports world, etc. (What? Me getting fired up about athletic sexism? NOOOO way.)
I said, "Mouths are for eating and talking."
So in the spirit of Thanksgiving, my mouth has had a motor for food, I guess. Household conversation has been pretty funny and entertaining, especially since Ella has a motormouth and is quite funny when she sticks a thermometer up a baby doll's cloth butt.
But I feel like I'm eating to stuff myself--to keep words from getting out. I graze among the kitchen before and after lunch with the family. I graze on the ham, the before-cooked stuffing, the cooked stuffing, the strips of moist turkey, the finger swipes of mashed potatoes, the peeled skin of a roll. I graze on it all. The food stifles any mode of expression I accidentally leak out sometimes.
The problem is that it's Thanksgiving and I still feel sad. I love my family and I'm glad they're mine. They are wonderful and I'm fortunate. But I'm growing in different ways, and I can't talk much anymore. I can't talk about things I'm excited about or new theories I'm pondering. I can't talk about my newest essay piece with them because it deals with a very difficult part of my life that my parents know nothing about.
Right now, I feel very very alone. I want to be somewhere else, not to get away from problems here, but to feel free. I want to breathe new air. I don't want to feel the country particles anymore. I don't want to feel the density of disbelief, the weight of dusty confines of religion and the "right" way of things versus the "wrong" way of things.
I can't speak anymore, and the sad thing is... things have actually gotten better.