Possibility

Second post today. I know...psycho, right? I guess I'm just blogging as much as possibe before I'm an island-dweller for the rest of my early twenties.
Holy crap. I'll be almost 25...
Okay, I won't think about it. Anyway. Moving on.
It's been a really weird day for a number of reasons. It's ended well. But it's had a lot of loopty-loops and I hate loopty-loops. I get way too nauseous and I have too many headaches.
I just feel like my head is screaming. I mean I've had a headache all day, but I've got that swimmy racing-thoughts feeling and it has a lot to do with that whole fear thing. To be honest, I want this whole fear thing to be good; so I'm making myself vulnerable to God, lalala, but now I feel like Satan could possibly use it, too, and it's driving me fuh-lippin crazy. I think I need a tranquilizer.
I mean today, I was driving home, and I just started saying, "Satan, get away from me. Go back to hell, I don't want you here." And I just kept saying it over and over until I felt like stopping. It was weird.
I was praying on the way home, too, mainly because I knew my dad and I were due for a really intense talk. I needed to apologize and I did, and he took it okay for a little while. Then it got tense, then it got shitty, then I started crying, then I almost left to sulk and cry in my room, and Dad said, "No no, don't leave--this is exactly why we haven't worked things out." So I stayed. I mean a lot of the reason I always leave is because fighting with them takes a toll on me. Big time. I mean 2 years of fighting is a lot to me. I'm normally a happy, conflict-free being when it comes to relationships. Not so much at home.
BUT the conversation turned out well. We got deeper than we've gotten and he hugged me at the end. It was nice. I opened up with him about Mom and my constant back-and-forth-ness with her, and I talked to him about spiritual things and such. I didn't get to the bone of things, but now I think the possibility is there.
I still feel weepy, though. I think it's PMS.
Anyway, so you KNOW a music reference is coming here, right? (Gosh, I'll miss some music. Thank goodness I can take my mp3.)
So Lykke Li is an artist I'd always wished I'd looked farther into. Buy an album, la-de-da. But she has a song called "Possibility." It is haunting and chilling and amazing. There's this bridge. It's awesome.

So tell me when you hear my heart stop,
You’re the only who knows
Tell me when you hear my silence
There’s a possibility
I wouldn’t know

Tell me when my sigh is over
You’re the reason why I’m close
Tell me if you hear me falling
There's a possibility
It wouldn’t show

I guess I'm in a very contemplative mood...big surprise. But I just feel so much of this. Sometimes, I'm not aware of my silence. Sometimes, my fall seems much more discreet than obvious. Just the whole "there's a possibiity thing." There are a lot of possibilities right now. In the world, in our country, in my life, in your life, in my family, in Tonga.
My head screams with possibilities, with hurt, with goals and sorrows and sucky memories and friends I'll miss. It screams with things I want to write, things I want to read, languages I want to learn, people I want to meet, baggage I want to get rid of, words I want to forget, words I want to hold onto.