Dark

A girl killed herself about 3 days ago and it's bothering me. I don't even know her name. She was my age. 22.
It makes me do a lot of psychological pondering when I consider motives and emptiness. How can someone want to give up after just 22 years of life? It's hard to imagine and hard to think about a beautiful girl blow past consideration, beneath the realms of depression, and make herself stop living.
I've known people who have done this, heard about people, actually KNOWN people. This girl...I don't know her. I've never seen or met her. I don't know her favorite color or her preferred ice cream flavor. I don't know the color of her eyes or her favorite pet.
A few months ago, I heavily considered giving up my faith. God didn't seem real to me. I questioned everything and logic seemed much more possible to believe rather than spirituality. But I remembered that I love spirituality. It keeps me sane. God keeps me sane. (Check out Charlie Hall's "Mystery.") I couldn't just deal with my thoughts and random actions all the time. I've read a lot of books about faith and spirituality and it's been good for me. I don't just love Jesus, I love God. And I accept that I don't understand him all the time...because let's face it, he's not just a 2-dimensional box we can rely on for spiritual supplies like that whole 'armor of God' metaphor and other practical things like hammers and nails and such.
God isn't a tool box.
So anyway, I had a good cry last night and talked to God about my loneliness and how I never wanted my loneliness to be a bad thing. A thing so consuming that the only way out is a relief that ends things.
This entry is probably getting weird already, but I keep singing Damien Rice in my head. I mean let's face it, if I were to go for the drinking Irish type, he would be my musical soul mate.
He has a lyric from "Accidental Babies" that says, "Is he dark enough/enough to see your light?"
How beautiful is that? I've always wanted my future man friend/husband to have that--that quality that wants to fully know my darkness to see the light I guess I can bring. But then I keep thinking that it's God. God IS light, but he's dark enough to see mine--I mean shoot, he placed it in me! He plunged through all that dark junk and cleaned it--beyond shininess. He's not a tool box OR a tool man that just spit-shines something until it looks presentable. He put a little glow in there.
I guess that I don't want to feel like I've lost that glow. I imagine it like a little burning ember--maybe on the edges of a beautiful, rising fire. Sorry for the predictable Christian metaphors, but I'll take my place there where it's a bit darker. I feel comfortable in darkness a lot. But I always want to feel like God penetrates that darkness. I never want to feel empty enough to end things.