I'm nearing 22...

and I reject religious lectures.

No more lectures. No more scolding me how to live my life.

Just let me be. In peace.

a mind of piano

I have a favorite piano chord. It's CEA. I think it's more of a melancholy chord, and for some reason, I feel completely emotional when I play it.

Separately, each note is beautiful on its own, and it conveys its own mood. C is the good ol' boy note. The note that everyone knows, the note/key that I usually sing in, the back-up plan for any song. If it's hard to play, transfer the chord to C. C is easy and simple, but pretty.
E goes with C. It's the harmony and melody, it's the happy days duo, the reliable notes.
A and C go together pretty well as far as harmony, too. But when you add E, the mood, the tone, the emotion, the intensity completely changes.

Because I am muddled with all those emotions, all those combinations, but I feel like I'm a mere constant of CEA, or more preferably EAC...I like that order better for some reason, though I guess it doesn't really matter.

I'm not even good with music lingo, not really. I mostly play by ear, but I like to play what I feel, which is probably pretty common for you to understand if you've read anything I've ever written.

Anyway, from here forward, if I make any reference to EAC, just know I mean melancholy. Maybe I'm in a melancholy mood, or maybe I'm just in a mood.

conditional love

seems i'm on a bit of a love kick this month.

so i was thinking about love. godly love, parental love, unconditional love; i'm wondering if i wasn't my parents' daughter... would they even like the person i am?

honestly, if i were just a random girl who they saw walking down the street or had a random conversation with in a restaurant or wal mart, they might like me okay.

but if i were my actual self in wal mart--if i were checking out weird cds or looking at crazy clothes, playing with kids' toys or being obnoxious in the tampon aisle, they might not like me very much.

and i'm not trying to run down my parents, either. i'm just using them as an example. (is it bad to say that? that i'm USING my parents for writing purposes? i feel a bit like a bad child.)

anyway, i'm just wondering how conditional love really is.
people fall in love and get married because of this love idea. they make vows about unconditional love that can only be separated by our mortal conditions. but sometimes communication gets a bit fuzzy, things start happening, and the love--if it ever really existed--is over. people are broken, people are relieved, people are depressed, people are happy.

and clearly, i understand that since i have no child, i can't possibly understand the love for one.

but i can question it.
i know that there is unconditional love from God, and sometimes, i love how it overwhelms me. and sometimes, my dad might kiss me on the forehead and tell me he loves me, and i know that it can't have the same effect like God's love.

but of all the Christians in America...heck, in the world...we're supposed to be consumed with God's unconditional love. so if i see an obnoxious person in the tampon aisle or if i see an old lady digging out perfect change at the ice cream place as i'm salivating on my combination of coffee ice cream, toffee, caramel and walnuts, or if i see a guy at a concert with tight girl jeans and a sweater with another guy on his arm, both wearing big smiles... OR if i see a girl in a pretty scarf wrapped around her head, hiding her pretty dark features and speaking in an interesting accent...

i want to love them, too. i want to ignore any judgments i've accumulated over my near-22 years of being. i want to roll up all stereotypes i've sadly laughed at in this Bible Belt...I want to crumble them up like the poorly-written newspaper in this Mayberry of a town, and I want to throw it in the depths of the smelly garbage.

i want to really understand unconditional love. i want to give it to others. i want to feel it more often.

i want to love love and not be cynical about it.

you make-uh no sens!

ohhhhhh, life.
i want life to take me in a million different directions...as long as i don't become a tiny square of butter on a large piece of bread.
i often want to do this to myself... do a lot of things, keep busy, keep from being too focused on one thing. because if i stayed completely focused on one thing for a long time, i get tired of it. like noodles and sauce or yogurt. (i've eaten that a lot this semester.) or even exercise, softball, piano lessons (which happened like 10 years ago...crazy.)

i want my life to be hectic and make no sense to people around me. i don't want the attention--i'm narcissistic, but not THAT bad. i just do not want to fall into a common pattern, i guess. it's not to spite anyone else, not to spite the towns i no longer hope to live in after graduation. i just want to be that person--that christian--who can reach out to a lot of people in a lot of different ways, whether it be through writing, teaching, mission work, etc. i want to be a well-rounded christian/person/woman (yikes, am i really a woman?), writer...

i don't want to be common.

easy to be a hermit

i always thought my passionate love for writing could possibly (even eventually) cajole me into a hermit lifestyle. it could easily happen once i eventually get completely fed up with the american lifestyle. i can see myself in some makeshift cabin somewhere in maine or vermont or some random place like iceland. maybe norway. i can see myself in my proud little cabin with hoards of writer's notebooks--no computer, mind you, and nature as my toilet. i would grow long, frizzy hair with disgusting split ends and, i imagine, i would eventually wallow in my own stench, although i would probably try to attempt decent hygene.
well, i'm still in bg, ky and i am alone in my apartment. even worse, i'm alone in the entire house, which means the other 4 apartments are vacant. i went to wal mart to buy presents just so i could wrap them. i put on When Harry met Sally, made experimental pancakes (which were okay, i guess,) cheap but strong coffee, wrapped my presents, and started reading harry potter.
i even started to mentally diagram jk rowling's sentences, wondering if a complex sentence would work better if she began with the introductory phrase rather than splicing it in the middle.
i know.

anyway, it probably took 10 minutes before i realized that the movie was stuck on the scene after marie and whats-his-face's wedding, after harry and sally sleep together and their relationship gets all weird, but before the awesome scene on new year's eve where harry tells her he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. so the movie is stuck right before the resolution, i finished wrapping my presents, and i sucked down the rest of my barely-sweetened coffee (bitter is the new chocolate.) i stopped the movie, considered throwing my dvd player out of our already-cracked and terribly rickety window of the living room, and curled up with harry potter on the couch. i'm on book #5 in less than 2 weeks. (finals week was very un-tedious.)
anyway (again), i think i'll go back to the order of the phoenix, because now i've made myself type. i'm admitting my hermit-esque flaw. my goal is to finish the book by tomorrow afternoon. i'm on page 388 and haven't even reached halfway yet. rowling got a bit winded, i think, in this beast of a book. actually, i kind of like it... the books aren't so kiddish and i like the characters. i'm trying to provoke my creativity to see if i can actually think of a good fiction story.
i dunno, though. i'm a bit narcissistic and enjoy writing about myself.

why am i not into christmas this year?

i had no more than one week of a christmas music mood, and after that, i haven't really gotten into the holidays.
i'm not buying as many presents this year...which is good.
i'm not asking for as much stuff...which is good, honestly. i don't want a lot of stuff anymore.
every year, christmas seems to get more sad. i'm tired of trying to outdo myself for getting others different things, and i'm tired of others trying to outdo eachother (or even themselves). i dunno, presents...gifts. eh, not my favorite thing (unless of course they are books, movies, anything my parents think are more worthless than things like steel-toe boots...hahaha)
anyway, i dunno...just thought it was interesting to mention.
the only thing i've really enjoyed is decorating our adorable apartment with our adorable christmas decorations. that's when we loved christmas music.

a minor dislike

i
hate
milk breath,
especially in
a kiss,
especially when
my own milk
breath
reminds me of
your
sorry ass.