Silence

I'm writing a Bible study right now with Laura called God Plot.
You know that I write a lot. And I write a lot of things. A Bible study is a bit difficult because
1.) It's a form of instruction. I'm not good with instruction--with handling it, with giving it. I am 22. I am young. Instruction is weird right now.
For example, Regan (the 4 year old in the house) keeps jumping on Laura's empty bed... asking me to paint her toenails, to get out the ukulele, to watch her perform tricks, NEEDING my attention. But I'm writing. And when I write, I need silence. I need to think, to meditate, to relax, to be away from the world for a moment.

2.) Anything I've ever written from a Christian standpoint is bitter. Bible studies can be contemplative, but ultimately, they are positive and motivational. Oh dear.

3.) I'm trying not to sell out as a cheesy Christian writer. I am extremely picky with what I read--especially when it comes to God stuff. I don't do tearful miracles or surface instruction. I need to see different perspectives, a new light to Christianity. Didacticism is way too prevalent in Christian literature. I'm over it.

Regan is now asking me about cotton balls (that I use for finger nail polish removal), which makes her think about how I haven't painted her nails purple yet, but then she keeps repeating cotton balls until she starts singing "Cheetos! Cheetos! Cheetos!" Now she is muffling "Hey JAMIE" with her head down on the bed. "I'm aLIVE," she says.
"Jamie?"
"Yes?"
"I'm alive."
"You're alive?"
"Yes,I'm STUCK on Laura's bed!"
Then she stands up on the bed and stiffly falls down on the bed.
"I'm a WO-bot! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Giggle, Giggle.
"I'm a wo-bot! Isn't that funny, Jamie? That's SO funny!"

I wonder if that's how we are with God sometimes. He has all this other stuff going on, and you KNOW God needs silence sometimes. I mean geez, he kinda has this whole world to look after. God has a great sense of humor, I think. He knows how to deal with our lives, he knows when to block us out and when to listen--especially when our train of thought jumps from an organic, earthy, fluffy substance to fake-cheese-infused, uber-fattening junk food.
But sometimes, I think we're jumping on this mystical, metaphysical trampoline, trying desperately to get his attention.
(Jump) Hey God!
Silence.
Hey God! Look at me, God! Look! I'm jumping!
Silence.

Maybe when we're trying desperately to get his attention, when we focus on jumping toward him, we have our priorities right. Maybe this is the worship part of Christianity. Jumping on a trampoline, reaching toward the sky, calling for God.
But we can't jump forever. We have work to do. And when we work, things may become quieter for us and for God, and this isn't bad. Because in the silence, God may give us an answer for something.