A Dip

I wish I was a happier person who could embrace all of life's confusing crossroads. Instead I let myself hunker into spiritual scarcity and a weary attitude. A depression, almost, but I won't consider it depression because I know my whiny self would only offend those who really really struggle with depression.

But Sense and Sensibility is running on repeat on my poor TV with a broken cable outlet thingy. My room's pile is thickening. I am more glued to my keyboard than my books. I don't like the sight of pictures, for many reasons. I'm disgusted by my face that constantly insists on breaking out. I mostly feel that taking a shower requires too much physical effort. My headaches are worsening and I can feel acidic bile constantly in my belly, a dreaded ball of decisions I'll need to make too soon. Decisions that may hurt people or even myself.

At this moment, why can't I just pray?! It seems logical in a spiritual, Christian life. But praying is SO HARD! I try. I do. I have to be in a drought. I'm still harboring hard feelings I thought I'd shaken off. Frustration will not leave. I feel so spiritually fake. Is my form of worship REAL worship? Or is it for show? God can't be pleased with me right now.

And confusion. Confusion is supposed to be of the devil. But if you learn things about yourself, the world, and God in the midst of confusion, is it so bad?