I'm Frontin'

I like to give this air that I'm a very striaghtfoward, honest person. For the most part, I'm honest and straightfoward. I'll tell you random things that come to mind. I'll explode with independence/individualism.
But I've learned that this will also be a problem. In Soul Cravings, Erwin McManus writes of how we try to distinguish ourselves by specific labels, or by obtaining a label that differentiates us from the norm. We do this through clothing, tattoos, hair, etc. (Do you see where this is going?)
McManus says, "Whem we live outside of healthy community, we not only lose others, but we lose ourselves."
He says that when we develop relationships with others, we become more in touch with ourselves. We cultivate love between each other and increase our godly love.
I love love. I do. But sometimes it's very hard for me ro receive love. (See Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller.) Sometimes I want to just thrive on my own. Sometimes I want to just grab a backpack and some supplies and just rough it in the wilderness. Clearly I know this wouldn't work, but it's my desire to get away from things. To become introverted and self-reliant, and most of all, more God-reliant.
For some reason, it's very hard for me to rely on God in the life I'm in now. I get so involved in the age-21 life. Not the stereotypical age-21 life. But the schooling, writing, working life. The stressing-over-money-and-future life. I still enjoy getting giddy over boys and movies. I can emerse myself in books and my own writing. And friends. I love my friends, and what they spiritually mean to me.
But I'm relying on my friends for a spiritual outlet, and I feel that I'm relying less on God. I need to find a balance.
If I leave Bowling Green, KY in May and seek a life elsewhere, I need to find community. I need to find self-growth where I'm not lonely and wanting. If I get lonely and wanting, I'll become vulnerable to other vices, and I refuse to let myself do that. I have no self-control with coffee, chocolate, and peanut butter, but I will not let myself get so vulnerable that I lean to other things to get my fix. I feel that as much as I try to run away from communal comformity, I still need a sense of relational community for self-growth, self-discovery. I want to discover a new part of myself all the time. I want to expand, but not just for the sake of expansion. (I don't want to sound too much like a hippy.) I need to think more in terms of God.
I need to think love. Feel love, receive love, give love without thinking about vulnerability or repercussion. I need to feel community without feeling self-conscious or judged. I need to breathe for more than a day. I need my wonderful epiphanies to last weeks or months or years, not just hours or days at a time before they're crushed with negativity.
I need community.
We all need community.
I need love.
We all need love.
I have God, but I need God.
We all need God.
And I need a community that embraces God's love, that embraces me so tightly that I can breathe and feel free of judgment, free of cynicism, and sometimes, free of myself.