I worry about things, and I get scared about things.
Things I worry about should be more of a scared thing, and things I get scared about should be under "worry" criteria...as in not so big of a deal, but worthy of worry. Then again, nothing is worthy of worry in a Christian perspective. Though I'm Christian, I feel like my human tendencies greatly overwhelm the Christian part.
ex:
I worry about paying bills, skipping exercise for like 2 weeks, the greasy spot along the dips between my face and nose, my consistently bloody fingernails, my Peace Corps application that is still unfinished (although it's for a purpose,) reading the books I need to read, writing the things I need to write, getting all A's, taking the GRE, Grad School, mission work, relationships, friendships, family, my future family, boys, finding enough chocolate throughout the day, getting smothered by all the Wal Mart people traffic, finishing up the 3rd season of Heroes...

Here's why I'm scared:
I worry about those things, but they don't deeply affect me.
I do cry sometimes from being so stressed and overwhelmed, but my outbursts don't get deep to the core. In stead of internally being so wrapped up in an emotion, I often feel that I'm 20 feet away from myself, looking through a window or mirror, watching myself cry out of partial emotion. I cry because it's this bodily reaction due to internal and external factors. Crying is normal. But me crying doesn't mean I'm having this super-intense feeling session.
In fact, I'm scared because most of the time, I'm numb.
Beyond the body-part-goes-to-sleep tingle numb, but the absolutely-no-feeling numb. I feel like a phantom limb would create more nerve-ending reactions than my body would right now. I'm in this state of no-repurcussions...I can't be too busy...who cares what people think (which I actually do appreciate)...I could write all day and be content...I could cuss out somebody and not feel regret...someone could cuss me out and it wouldn't really bother me that much...
THAT numb.
The does-God-hear-me numb followed by the I-don't-try-to-be-heard numb.
The stoic-face numb. The mechanical-voice numb. (My voice has changed...I noticed that today.)
The slice-your-toe-and-ask-your-roomate-to-sew-it-up numb.
Honestly, pain affects me, but my body doesn't really respond to it that much. A lot of people think that I put on this "tough girl" front, that I can handle things non-babyish, especially with my softball background.
And honestly, I worry that pain isn't that big of a deal for me anymore.
I got plugged with a softball the other day.
I sliced my toe open a couple months ago, and it needed stitches.
But honestly, I didn't really care.
The initial pain hurt, but later, I didn't think about it. Until I will randomly glance at the thin scar on my toe, or I'll rub my barely-tender forearm against the edge of a desk and feel the slightest twinge of a bruised muscle.
Then I go on with life.
I guess I should appreciate pain--that I can still feel it, that my nerves rush through my body like an alarm just went off.
*Wee-uw, wee-uw, wee-uw!* the sirens of my nervous system scream.
My body reacts, but my emotions don't--unless I say something like "piss!" (or other words to that effect) as a response.
But honestly, I feel that I say those because it's normal. Because it's pure reaction for me to scream my favorite four-letter words when I'm pegged by fallen blinds or piss-rocket throws.
A numb, unthought reaction. One without root, one without nerve endings.
Worry is a simple reaction to things we don't fully comprehend
But I'm not scared of grades and the future.
I scared my feelings won't wake up to my own urgency, that I'll ignore myself along with ignoring other opinions that I don't care so much about. Scared that I may stay for things I don't need to stay for, scared that I'll leave purely for the sake of leaving/running/escaping.
Maybe numbness could pay off when I need to do what I need to do.
I don't know, but I'm very intrigued by this numbness thing.
Relationships fail, no big deal. My ideals change, no big deal. My body changes, no big deal.
It's life. It moves, I move. Sometimes it moves just out of reaction.