Unlearning

Part of the beauty of my age is learning and developing characteristics and interests and habits that I didn't have four, three, even two years ago. I have a wider variety of friends with an even wider variety of interests, and they encourage me to broaden my own. I've worked several jobs, ended several relationships, lost things, broken things. I've learned that the world is far more important than my enclosed problems in America, I'm terrible at trivia games, buying movies is one of my favorite pasttimes, and I will always, always, always be singing a melody (well, more like harmony), playing a song, reading a book, or writing.
I've learned the heartbreak and joy of faith, I've questioned the conditions of love in all types, and I've pursued God ways much different from my upbringing.
I keep writing about my family, my religious background, my church experiences. I write drafts over and over because I can't get them right, and I usually stop writing in very little time. It's very difficult for me to start writing about those things because I'm still so frustrated and confused about my background. And because I'm questioning so much of my past, I'm questioning myself. It's a phase, I know, and we all endure it. I know it's part of life. In five years, I'll be in a different phase.
Last year was the most emotionally trying year I've ever experienced--drastic was my middle name. I was simultaneously blessed and hurt. This year has been a growing year, but I don't feel that I'm growing. I have become more patient and meditative on myself, my characteristics, my beliefs, my likes, my annoyances, my flaws. I wonder if that's why my writing is undergoing a deep struggle. I'm not really learning much right now, so I'm not writing anything that worthwhile.
My writing is currently muddled and confused. I try to tie things together, but they won't tie because each subject is still in knots. I've yet to untangle the mess that I can't solve.
I think I need to unlearn some philosophies that were forced upon me. I don't necessarily want to develop my own philosophy, but I need to be at peace. I judge myself much more than I do anyone else anymore, and I think it's unhealthy. Everyone has confidence issues, and mine get worse around a certain environment, but I need a confidence boost without feeling over-praised or any of that attention junk. I think I need pushing.
See, God and I have a pretty cool relationship when it's functioning properly. If I struggle with something, he knows how to handle the situation. He cuddles me when I need it, but mostly, he understands that I need a nice pep talk and a smack on the butt, and I'm off on my way to discovery.
But now, maybe I'm backing my way into un-discovery. Or maybe I'm pushing forward to discover that my former discoveries were actually embedded into my inner fibers as an unquestionable lifestyle in which I still stumble. I still have voices in my head that rattle into my ear drums and between my brain cells. These voices throb through my eye sockets and down my brain stem. They scream at me, they scold me, they point their fat fingers and squint their eyes into slits, and they hate when I plug in my ear buds and drown them out with what I want to hear. And sometimes, I plug in those ear buds, and I listen to the staticky, quiet music of my unjudged life.
It's nice.